Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Meg Meeker M.D.

• The 10 secrets; (1) you are the most important man in her life, (2) she needs a hero, (3) you are her first love,(4)  teach her humility, (5) protect her, (6) defend her, (7) pragmatism and grit: two of your greatest assets, (8) be the man you want her to marry, (9) teach her who God is, (10)  teach her to fight, keep her connected.

• Fathers, more than anyone else, set the course for a daughter’s life.  Your daughter needs the best of who you are: your strength, your courage, your intelligence, and your fearlessness.  She needs your empathy, assertiveness, and self-confidence.  She needs you.

• Your daughter takes cues from you, her father, on everything from drug use, drinking, delinquency, smoking, and having sex, to self-esteem, moodiness, and seeking attention from teen boys.

• The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her.  If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will—and that’s when trouble starts.  Don’t let that happen.

• And your daughter will respect you more if you don’t give in.  The minute you waffle on your convictions, you lose stature in your daughter’s eyes.  She thinks you’re smarter than other parents, tougher than her boyfriend, and care more about her—and what’s right for her than other people.

• Every man who enters her life will be compared to you: every relationship she has with a man will be filtered through her relationship with you.  If you have a good relationship, she will choose boyfriends who will treat her well.  If she sees you as open and warm, she’ll be confident with other men.  If you are cold and unaffectionate, she’ll find it hard to express love in a healthy way.

• Write a note affirming her in any number of ways.  Leave it where she’ll find it.  Then six months or a year later, go look for it.  I’ll guarantee you’ll find it tucked away in a special place.  She’ll save it because she wants to be connected with you and loved by you, always.

• Related to discussing pre-marital sex:  what she wants to know from you is what the rules are.  When is it appropriate to have sex and why?  That is it.  If that is all you ever impress upon her, it’s good enough.

• Parents are the most important influence on their teenagers’ decision about sex.

• But fathers in particular have tremendous impact on daughters.  She compares all other boys and men to you.  You’re responsible for teaching her what to expect and what sort of behavior to demand from her male friends.

• Fathers often assume that their teenage daughters want to be left alone and don’t want to be hugged.  This isn’t true—in fact, it couldn’t be more wrong.  She needs your touch during these years even more than when she was five.

• Fathers, you can make the difference.  And one huge way you can make a difference is by keeping your family together.  The most common cause of unhappiness and despair, what crushes the spirit of children more often than anything else, is divorce.  Divorce is really the central problem that has created a generation of young adults who are at higher risk for chaotic relationships, sexually transmitted diseases, and confusion about life’s purpose.
• Be the Man you want her to marry.

• Here’s another sobering thought: the man you see at the other end of the aisle will undoubtedly be a reflection of you—be that good or bad.  It’s the way it is: women are drawn to what they know.

• If you let your daughter and son know that pornography is a struggle for every man and boy, and show them that it can be dealt with and avoided, you will give them unmatched power to confront the hard things in life.  And I can guarantee that you improve your chances that your daughter will insist on the same in her future spouse.

• Your daughter needs God.  And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her.  She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears.  She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you.  If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her.

• Don’t worry that if you’re strict your daughter will rebel or lose her individuality.  I have seen over and over again that daughters respect fathers who stand for something.  She wants to see conviction and leadership in her father.

• One of the gravest mistakes we parents make is blurring the lines between right and wrong for our daughters.  Whatever popular culture does, in your own home with your own daughter, you cannot smudge the lines and rationalize bad behavior.  You cannot normalize the bizarre and aberrant; you cannot tolerate rudeness, abuse or dishonesty.  You cannot allow your daughter to risk her future by not confronting her on issues of alcohol, sex and drugs just because that’s the easy thing to do.

• Parents often tell me, “My daughter is a really good kid.  She knows right from wrong and that drinking is trouble.  If she were at a party, I have no doubt she would do the right thing.”  But I see really good kids all the time who got in trouble because they didn’t know how to say no, because their parents hadn’t prepared them for the situations in which they found themselves, because their parents expected a teenager to make a decision that an adult should have mad.  Even the best of daughters want to please their friends.  You must assume that whatever her friends do, she’ll do.   Finally, remember, nice girls die in car accidents.  Nice girls get pregnant.  Nice girls fall for bad boys.  Teaching your daughter to say no could save her life.

On happiness/contentment… It’s your family—your children, your spouse—and God.  They are the real center of our lives.  Men who figure this out find what they’re looking for.  Men who don’t are never truly happy and satisfied.